Dear Sales Associate…. 

As I walk through the mall in kind of a rush…..

My eyeballs are immediately attracted a sign that says “JOGGING JEANS”…..

First of all, I am a mother of 5, SAHM, and a frequent gym goer…. my life is spent in tights or some would call them leggings. Whatever you call them..I. love. them.  They are my life.  They hug me, comfort me, keep me warm.  They make me feel skinny as the band wraps and holds my mommy belly in.  They let me breath when I have clearly eaten too much.  They make me feel sexy eith the seductive lace and mesh. They make a statement with the crazy multi-colors and payterns… must I go on????

When I was a nurse, scrubs were my life.  They are similar to scrubs but better yet, I am not working.

Anyway, back to my rant…  I am briskly walking my quick pace hurried trott through the mall. I am a mom on a mission.. my 6 year olds birthday gift..

Whhhooaaa…. screeching halt…. like a kid walking past a candy store.  Wide eyed, 90 degree turn… my mission has dissolved in my mind.

Sales Associate:  hi!  Welcome.  Our store is sectioned off into eras-

Me: oh really? (Not really).  Where are your jogging jeans?

SA:  oh come with me. (To the back of the store) (trap)

Me:  ooooohhhh these feel so nice..as I totally grope the jogging jeans.. so soft… simultaneously, but secretively eyeing up price tag.. $380!

I don’t know about most moms, but having five kids I rarely shop for myself.  My children always need something.  And I never really have the time to go shop sporadically for myself. I always like buying things on sale.  I simply can’t justify spending that money on a pair of pants.

I’m contemplating trying them on because if the fit the way they sound then I may come back and splurge one day….

SA:  what size are you? 25?  26?

Me:  thinking oh wow, how kind.. (this guy is clearly trying to hit on me) haha not.  (He probably works on commission.)

Me: umm no.. 28…29…

SA:  oh 27 will fit.

Me: no… I’m a 28..

SA:  oh.. this will be good.  They have a lot of stretch….

Me:  ohhkaaay… then.

I go into the dressing room with these silky soft pants.  I can’t wait to try them on….I put one leg in..  then the other… almost like tights…almost.. I pull them up my mid thighs… they are not feeling good…. get to my ass…. my ass…cant get over my ass… “they have a lot of stretch” the SA’s voice echos in the back of my head…stretch my ass.  I get 3/4 up my ass.. my stomach is just muffin topped out the kazoo… ummm no… so wrong!  I peel them off…kicking the last leg off.  I didn’t even turn them right side in… screw this!  I am here for Graces gift anyways!  Stupid idea!

SA:  How are they?

Me:  Not good. As I whip back the curtains and startle him.  Not good.

SA:  How about I give you the 28’s?

Me:  No.  They are not high waisted. My belly is too big.  I have had five children.  I got a bowl of jello there.  I can squish it in but it still seeps out in other places.  I am sad now. Thanks…but no thanks.  I was in happy land seeing jogging jeans but now I am just angry at myself.  Angry I stopped and wasted a half hour.  Angry I didn’t lose more weight.  Angry that I ate half a loaf of the fresh, french bread.  Ughhh… sighhh.

Me:  Thank you.  I will have to come back when I lose weight.

SA:  ohhhkaayyy..then…

I kinda storm out like a child..

Dear Sales Associate:  if you see a middle aged woman come in for “jogging jeans”  she is really looking for leggings.  So… give her the size she wants.  Don’t set her up for failure.  She was flattered you tried to down size her.. but in reality.. you just pissed her off to eating another donut! 😣😣

 

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